The Shameful Truth About How Twilight Changed My Life

For all of my friends and family who are potentially reading this, there may be too much information for you in this post. It’s emotionally angsty with my heart and soul poured out onto a platter for you all to see.

——————————

Before we start, I put a lot of hesitation into posting this. It has been in my draft box for a few days just staring at me. Olympics is easier and less revealing for sure. Mainly I’m not sure how Mr. TC will feel about me revealing our lives for the world to see. Hey, honey, do you actually read my blog? Well, I guess we’ll see. Hopefully he’ll finish the article and see this puts him in a good light.

On with the post…

I love a girl who speaks her mind. Even if sometimes what she says is controversial, women have been oppressed enough that if she wants to speak I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and listen. Usually.

Jelena at Confessions of a Twiholic recently put up a post that was a slight tirade. Please click on her name and give her post a read. It is directed at all us twihards and also sort of calls into question our love for Twilight or Rob and the reflection upon our relationship with our significant others. Not to analyze her post too much as you can read it for yourself. I love the fact that she isn’t afraid to tell her side and give the rest of us some food for thought.

The reason I bring it up is because it sparks my internal struggle to figure out what I love about Twilight so much. Is it really Rob or Edward? Is it the adoring stupid crazy teenage love of Bella & Edward?

Her post made me feel ashamed. (Jelena, not your fault here and of course I’m not blaming you). I have to admit that when I first read Twilight I felt like I was walking through life but with blinders on. Mr. TC and I had been together for over 15 years and I had a fulfilling career and two young kids which left me drained with little energy for anything else.

Twilight propelled me, and I’m sure most of you who are also obsessed, into a world of basic Romeo & Juliet love where you would honestly die for the other person. The pedestal is high and that person hasn’t fallen yet.

I am no longer a teenager and being with the same person for 15 years and having two kids drains that passion out of your life. Mr. TC has always professed that he loves me and despite all my insane quirks thinks I’m special, beautiful, smart, and all that. I don’t think he ever lost that passion and love that had slowly been sucked out of me with the daily dredges of work and kids. I had been so blind.

Edward’s love for Bella despite her clumsiness, outward appearance of being plain, skinny awkwardness, and shy nature jolted me out of my dazed bored dispassionate life. I finished reading the epiphany part of New Moon (where she has the revelation that Edward really loves her) and walked right upstairs and started crying on the bed with Mr. TC.

All I could say was “You really do love me don’t you?” “You think I’m smart, beautiful, sexy, and aren’t just saying those things because I want to hear them.”
Mr. TC looked at me, exasperated, and said “Do I ever lie to you? (no he doesn’t – the man will tell you if you look like a whale in a dress) Of course I love you. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you for the last 15 years.”

With those words I realized that my husband loved me the way Edward loves Bella and I haven’t been loving him back the way Bella loves Edward. This was my epiphany.

"Serious, I really didn't GET that you love me. I know, I'm stupid."

Don’t get me wrong. I truly honestly deeply love my husband. But I don’t think that I had shown him that love very much in the last few years and that filled me with regret.

I spent the next two days crying, just a blubbering mess wherever I went. You see I was mourning. So many years I wasted where my husband must have not felt as loved as he should have and that is no way for a marriage to be.

It is tragic to me that I had the blinders on for so long. It took a first person account of a girl in her teens who feels undeserving who suddenly realizes she is worthy and truly loved to shake me out of my stupidity.

The wonderful flip side of this is that I am 33. I could have spent so many more decades walking through life too busy to hold my husbands hand. But now I will be the one to grab his hand (and maybe his ass) and give it a squeeze.

Yes, we are now this stupidly happy in love (but without the outfits)

I have to thank Stephenie Meyer for saving my marriage from potentially slowly spiralling into the irritable tension or dullness that eventually ends in divorce. Is it sad that I have to thank an author for giving me life again?

Often I feel alone in this. Twilight has brought a spark back to many peoples lives I think but maybe not for the same reasons.

Please let me know your thoughts and experiences too.

Now, for the next post, moving on to me admitting that I like looking at Rob Pattinson…

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39 Responses to “The Shameful Truth About How Twilight Changed My Life”
  1. Wow – love this!! Glad you shared – I think we must all be in the mood to revisit our love of Twilight these days – something in the air!

    : )

  2. 17forverlisa says:

    TC, that is one of the sweetest posts ever. I’m glad you had your epiphany. I’m even more glad that you had it as a result of Twilight, because without Twilight, our paths never would have crossed.

    My epiphany is different, but the end result is the same. From the movie to the books to the music to the man, Rob set in motion blogging and ultimately ff. You see, I’ve always known my husband loved me unconditionally. In my mind I’m 17 forever and still rockin’ the cheerleader bod that he lusted after in high school. It’s hard to reconcile the fact that I’ll never look like that again. But he’s never stopped looking at me like I’m still that girl. The problem has been me. I thought my libido had died because I didn’t feel sexy anymore. When I realized it was still alive and well, I started looking at him again as the boy who rocked my world in his football uniform. It’s still there. In his eyes. In his touch. In his kiss. I just wasn’t letting him in. So I, too, need to thank SM for having her dream and putting it to paper. It’s not just saved my marriage, it’s saved me.

    Lisa

    P.S.: In your next post, I’ll admit that I like looking at Robert Pattinson, too. *snickers*

  3. Jelena says:

    Thank you for sharing this story with us. I love reading personal stuff, and my blog is mostly like that, which might bore some people, but what the hey. I’m sure Mr.TC will appreciate your honesty, and he won’t mind you sharing with us – especially when there’s a chance someone might learn from your experience. There is nothing for you to be ashamed of in this post.

    I’ve been married 2,5 years, but MM and I have been together for almost 9 years. We’ve been through everything, cruising on high tide, through rough waters, storms and even had a crash, so I wake up every day more in love with him than the day before. And I know he feels the same. We don’t have any kids yet. So, when I was reading Twilight, I learned nothing about our relationship or myself, except that it’s possible to publish stuff like that and not be ashamed. When I was a teen I always used to write love stories. I was only proud to recognize how much Edward reminded me of MM, which is basically why I fell in love with the saga. I also realized that I was very lucky to have found grand love like that. Mind you, I had devoted my life to love, but that still doesn’t diminish the fact that I am able to live a fairy tale. I am glad beyond words that there are women like you who have been influenced so positively by the saga.

    We find revelations in the most unusual places, and it’s often trivial stuff like a book, or a movie which will open our eyes. So there is no reason for you to even question whether it’s sad that an author has had such a profound impact on you and your marriage. Why do you think people read all those self help books, or go to a shrink? I too often resort to reading psychology books in an attempt to better and enrich myself. This ultimately helps me recognize and solve problems and issues that are inevitable part of life. πŸ™‚

    So, you should congratulate yourself on being smart and open enough to allow yourself to reach such an important, life altering revelation. I know I applaud you. πŸ™‚

  4. @STY thanks for visiting. I think the something for me was Jelena but it’s true that we seem to be revisiting the actual books. I think I exhausted myself from fanfic for a while and went back to basics.

    @Lisa I am glad you enjoyed the post. I feel blessed that we have these guys in our lives who appreciate us for ourselves regardless of our post kids state. Unlike you I don’t think I ever felt that self confident or sexy. Before it would have taken more than a few good drinks for me to get up in lingerie and dance for my husb. I feel different now and more free with the realization that he doesn’t think I look stupid πŸ˜‰ It’s stupid that it took me seeing Bella through Edward’s eyes (despite her own self criticisms) to see my husbands POV.
    I’ll be thinking of you and what photos to choose for my next post.

  5. Jelena says:

    I would just like to add that in fact I think humans ultimately read because they want to be enlightened. So it’s no surprise that a book might have such a profound effect on us.

    • Jelena As always you are a wise woman. I am just surprised to find enlightenment in a teenage vampire series. I have not always been driven by love and frankly didn’t read that much. I have to say that our career choices often can define us. Esp in the early years because you need to be so incredibly driven to achieve or else you’ll fade away and draop out. Kudos to every SO of a physician or lawyer because I know that they are often taken for granted and have the patience of a saint. Our patients will always take precedent because they have to – life and death is no joke. Even on my week off i can’t forget that when a patient calls me on my cell phone as I’m getting out of the shower and I spend the next hour on the phone with the hospital while I’m wearing a towel.
      Thanks for listening to the rant. Your comments make me feel proud to have found the way rather than embarrassed about how I found it.

  6. Jelena says:

    Oh, and TC, I concentrated so much on your own thoughts, that it totally slipped my mind to thank you for the shout out. You’re sweet and kind beyond words, and it always humbles me, whenever you mention me in one of your posts. Thank you, really, you’ve no idea how much I appreciate the fact that you not only find the time to read what I write, but that you’re actually inspired by it – well, that’s what this is all about, ain’t it?

    smoocharoos, and off to watch the second half, and then to bed.

    • Very welcome J. And yes this is what it’s all about. Need to make a new button for my blog with titles and everything. Thanks for putting my interim one up. Enjoy the game and have nice dreams.

  7. Stan says:

    Wow! What sweet stories you all have! Still waiting for my epiphany (and my husband to come home *sigh*)

    • Hi Stan,

      It’s only sweet now. Wasn’t so sweet a year ago. Hopefully your epiphany will come soon but it’s hard with super little kids running around like yours. Can I ask you where is your husband?

  8. Stan says:

    We have a house that we rent out. We’ve got new tenants moving in on Friday and they wanted some changes making so he went straight from work to do some painting. It’s 10.30pm here now, he has said he’ll be home soon though. Wish we weren’t both so damn tired all the time!

    • hard to have enough hours in the day. I’m going to school pickup soon then chaos will ensue. Your kids are little. Things are definitely better now that our youngest turned 4 and doesn’t come into bed every night.

  9. Stan says:

    Hubs’s brother and his girlfriend give us a night’s babysitting for our Christmas present, have done for the past 3yrs now – better than anything money can buy! Still need to book somewhere for this year’s, not taken it yet :o)

    • what a lovely brother in law. My sister in law helps and my sis is darling but I wouldn’t leave her with both the kids. I don’t want to scare her away from having her own. You guys should book it soon – maybe you’ll find an epiphany πŸ™‚

  10. Stan says:

    I doubt it – last year he went out of the hotel for a cigarette and came back about 3hrs later after he’d gone to the hotel bar. Knobhead.

  11. Jen says:

    Hey lady, I’m at work so I’m going to keep this relatively short. I think your post was very insightful, inspiring and dead on. Twilight, though fantastical, makes us re-evaluate our own life and relationships. Sure, it’s just a story. However if it entertains us, inspires us, educates us, or even makes us read it 25 times….Stephenie Meyer has done her job.

    • thanks for replying even from work. It is pouring rain outside. Too bad for Olympics but we had days of sun so who can complain.
      Yes it did entertain and educate and made me re evaluate. SM did do her job and I don’t know how many times I’ve read it ? 25 times.

  12. TC my dear, your a brave woman to share your story with others. I’m so happy you’ve shared! Something like your story happened to me not so long ago. It takes a wise girl to appreciate what she has before it’s to late. I too have Twilight and the blogs for that. Twilight’s given me spark and fire again. Plus it’s great for the bedroom! Thanks again for sharing with us. You rock hun xoxo

    TM~

    • Thanks Twilight Mommy for the kind words. I am touched that you called me brave. Sometimes you feel like hiding this type of thing but the support I’ve had today has been wonderful. Happy to hear you also had one of those epiphanies.
      TC

  13. WOW! Thank you for such a beautifully written post! I am quite sure that your husband has always known that you truly do love him! But it is a very good thing to be reminded of how much every now and again…for you and him! The emotional connection I feel to Edward and Bella is why I love Twilight so much. The fact that they picked an extremely hot man to play him, is basically just a bonus. My adoration for the books would remain the same with or without the movies.

  14. dangrdafne says:

    Well TwilightCupcake I have had the total opposite epiphany from the books. The books, the movies, the blogosphere have shown me that I am not sure my hubby is the one for me or for that matter that I am the one for him. NOT that he has to be Edward or that I am even looking for Edward. We were already growing apart and this just pushed it further. He supports me in my obsession but he doesn’t really get it and he thinks it is silly – he thinks this about a lot of things I like – and that makes it difficult. Aack I can’t compose this properly so I will stop here, it is probably enough at this point anyway.

    This was a wonderful post and I am glad you shared part of your personal self with us. It seems to be what we are needing lately. Thank you

  15. mk says:

    I actually cried reading your post – this is because this really hits home with me right now. I feel like with a baby crying, poopy diapers, lack of sleep and the rest I can barely manage ‘nice’ much less less ‘romantic’. Married women coworkers tell me “pay attention to your marriage, don’t put everything into your kids or 10 years down the road, you’ll wake up one day and realize that you and your husband don’t even know each other anymore” and “kids grow up and move out – your husband will be there for you at the end of it all”. Still, I find myself more and more snapping at Mr. MK (it’s the baby that is fussy and crying but you can’t get mad at him so you get cranky with your husband) I find that right now, I really have to work hard at keeping the romance in our relationship – it was so much easier when it was just the 2 of us and life was carefree. I kind of have been using you guys as a template – you seem to have “found” each other again – I guess part due to twilight and part due to the kids growing up and life getting a little easier (you may disagree on this one!) So, I’ll hold on, work on “us” and hope we’ll be there for each other at the other end of the tunnel. thanks for the post

  16. Jelena says:

    Wow, reading the comments is just as touching as this post.

    @DD – Thank you so much for sharing. I don’t know what to say except that I trust you will do emerge a wiser person from the experience, no matter which choice you make. I am sad that this has happened to you, but glad that you realized it.

    @MK – it’s thoughts like these that make me scared to have children. I like my life right now, I love the relationship I have with my husband. And, then, kids come and everything changes. Oh, sure, I have faith that everything will be fine, even perhaps better, but that doesn’t diminish the fact that I also feel scared shitless.

  17. Thank you for the kind words everyone. I had a reply all lined up and then my iphone killed it. F*cker! Okay, that wasn’t so kind to it but I was pissed.

    @TL thanks for the kind words. Yes the fact that they picked a hot guy (which I wasn’t so sure about at the beginning) was just lucky for us. I like your email name btw, I think it suits you – you’re so busy!

    @Dangrdafne – sorry – long reply here.Thank you for sharing with us. I was so scared to post this one but I’m glad it gave us all a chance to vent. I am sorry to hear that twilight had the seemingly opposite effect on your life with hubby. Mr. TC doesn’t use the word silly for things that I do but the word crazy has been thrown around enough. There are certainly days where I still question why I’m still with him when we fight. But knowing that I’ve got 2 young kids and that we’re in it for the long haul makes me push extra hard to see the love. I know that there is no man on this earth who is straight who could appreciate my girly quirks because that’s just how men are built. I’m changing my expectations too.
    I hope you follow the wise advice of a good common friend and make yourself happy, however way that may be. Being the sweet person that I have come to know, I’m sure you offer quite a bit of advice to people because you care. Sometimes it’s the hardest to look inwards and fix ourselves and our lives isn’t it? With all the support I can muster through a keyboard and screen – TC

    @MK – I love you sweetie! So sorry to make you cry. You and Mr. MK were meant to be together. Otherwise I wouldn’t have given you my blessing (wink, wink) – just kidding my love. It is super hard with a newborn, and especially if you are nursing, to maintain any semblance of a romantic or intimate relationship. I see this at work all the time and unless the woman was on bedrest the last thing they’re usually interested in is their husband. They get obsessed with loving their baby and lose their relationship with their spouse. I think some of this is built in by nature to keep babies alive don’t you?
    I know you guys will pull through. When baby J is over a year it will get better slowly. After all, these siblings that the kids get don’t just come from nowhere. Don’t forget to use us for babysitting – I’m still waiting for you to ask πŸ˜‰

  18. dangrdafne says:

    @ Jelena and TC – I think my issues would be happening regardless of the Twilight Saga as we were already growing very far apart, this just helped push it along more and faster. We have had two huge discussions already and he is aware of my thoughts and feelings. So we will see what can change.

    As for the crazy versus silly that you mentioned TC, I would prefer to be considered crazy than silly. In my mind silly means frivilous, stupid or below someone and when he thinks that about things I like it is hard to separate that from thinking he may think I am personally silly too and that is unacceptable to me. I don’t think his love of comics or action figures is silly (expensive and takes up too much room in the house, yes but silly, no), it is what he likes and it is a part of him. I am only asking for the same acceptance.

    My sister recently divulged that she thinks I am being silly with all this too so I am doubly sad. But what she fails to see is the bigger picture. This is an amazing group of women who are bonding together yes over a book series, a movie series and some gorgeous actors but who are also forming friendships (worldwide!!) that will last beyond all that other stuff.

    Anyway, thank you all for your support it means more to me than I will ever be able to express.

  19. @dangdafne. Glad you guys are hashing it out. He collects comic books and stuff? He Is as bad as us. My family all think this is silly but I don’t care. They’ve seen me be a workaholic for so long they know I need this. Besides before twilight I was Pooh obsessed and my family braced that more.
    Hopefully he comes around to realize you just want acceptance and acknowledgement that your interests are important simply because they are what you care about and not the actual things themselves. I’m sure the guys realize we have a good community here but don’t understand what we talk about all day but I think that applies for real life womens conversations too.

  20. Jelena says:

    @DD – at least your mom understands you. πŸ˜€

    There is so much more to this whole Twilight obsession than movies and books, you’re right, it’s all about the friendship and support. It’s like a big community of women who are unafraid to speak up and find themselves. This is having such a positive effect on me. My husband told me today that I more beautiful than ever, that I shine, and I know it’s partly because of this community that we have created. You learn so much about yourself and about interpersonal relationships that it’s bound to reflect on your soul. I am just so grateful beyond words that I decided to read the books, and ultimately ended up here, and met all of you. And, I meet more and more women every day. This whole thing helps me find and maintain my femininity and womanhood, and I’m sure you agree on this with me. =)

  21. @TwilightCupcake This was a beautiful post, and I love it when bloggers share a little of what makes them, love what they love. We all have different backgrounds, different lives, but ultimately have found each other through our adoration for Twilight. Whether it is just Rob, the books, fanfiction, any or all of it.

    I just want to say, thanks for sharing, as many women can relate to you. We all take for granted, how much we care for our s/o, for our families, for our health. Finding passion within a movie, a set of books, whatever it may be, is a blessing; because many people never find that match to reignite that fire at all. Some are trapped in a sea of despair, so definately everday, feel like you are the luckiest woman alive.

  22. @jelena. Your husb sounds lovely πŸ™‚
    @HG thanks for the lovely comments. I do count myself super lucky but the pessimist in me always waits for the worst. Have to enjoy the today.

  23. musingbella says:

    Wow. First of all, Twilight Cupcake, this post is nothing to be ashamed of! I think it’s amazing that you had this experience and used it to change yourself/your relationship for the better. We live and learn and grow, and anything that facilitates any of those things is not shameful. As you said, better to realize now what you were taking for granted, or not seeing and reciprocating, than 30 years down the road. Your kids will benefit from this, too – you reconnecting with your husband will have ripples of good into their lives and relationships. And bravo to you for sharing here, with these lovely ladies. It takes a lot of courage to open up and be vulnerable and honest, even in the blogosphere. You’re amazing, and I’m glad to have met you (electronically).

    Everyone else, what an amazing group of women! I’m new here (hi!), and I am constantly floored by the love and support you all have for each other in this crazy Twi-world. I should have come looking for all of you last year after I first discovered the series and felt so alone in my love for it.

    Lastly, Dangrdafne, I don’t know you, but you are *not* silly for loving Twilight. When I told my husband I was planning to go to Forks with the Twilighted ladies (and everyone else) this fall, I prefaced it with, “If there were a shuttle you could take to Tatooine or if you could ride in the Millenium Falcon, would you?” (Star Wars, for any of you without obsessed s/o’s). He might think I’m a little nuts, but he knows he’s nuts about certain things, too. It balances out. My heart goes out to you that it sounds like you don’t have a lot of people in RL who understand your Twi-love – I still keep mine bottled up except at home because I’m worried no one else in my life will understand, but my husband humors me because that’s what you do in a marriage. IMO, anyway. So, anyway (again), BIG (stranger-with-candy) HUGS to you from me, and the wish that you work everything out however is best for you (to echo the others’ sentiments here).

    Loves to all (I’m really feeling the girl-power in here and I like it!),
    MB

    • Hi MB,

      Sweet comments. I’m glad you’re feeling the community girl power. Occas the blogosphere goes a bit out of whack and people aren’t so happy but I hope my blog stays a happy place. I love your Star Wars analogy – did on for most guys. Any of their sci fi is as fantastical as Twilight. I’ll have to remember that the next time anyone gives me cr*p about my twi obsession.

      TC

  24. smartEpantz says:

    TC…You have moved me to tears…and trust me that’s not an easy task. I’m a hardass and it’s common knowledge that I am the “man” in my marriage.
    There are so many parallels between your story and mine (together 15yrs, 2 small kids of which one has severe CP and is quadriplegic, tired and basically sucked dry by life), but the most glaring to me is the similarity that it has always been lost on me exactly how much my husband loves me.
    β€œYou really do love me don’t you?” β€œYou think I’m smart, beautiful, sexy, and aren’t just saying those things because I want to hear them.”
    Oh man that just broke me. I am also guilty of not properly reciprocating the devotion that he shows me. ~sigh~
    This was very eye opening…alot to digest.
    Maybe I’ll have to tell you my story sometime. πŸ™‚
    This is my first time to your blog, and I will absolutely be following from now on.
    luvs.
    E

    • @SmartEpants. Thanks for coming by. I’m glad that you also had the same epiphany as I did. We are lucky to have these guys in our lives. Sounds as if you have a lot on your plate. Hopefully you have some family or friends who are good at caring for both your children who can give you and your husband some respite.
      Let us know your story sometimes and thanks for sharing so far.

  25. Stan says:

    @ E One of my children (and my husband) has a neuromuscular condition, Charcot Marie Tooth Disease (CMT). I sympathise because our situation is nowhere as severe as yours and I know how tough it can be here watching your child struggling with things and coping with the rounds of various medical appointments. I have a friend in a similar boat to me and we met up yesterday with another lady we know and basically swapped all our latest worries and problems to make ouselves feel better.

    Please do share your story if you get time :o)

    xx

  26. smartEpantz says:

    TC and Stan…your thoughts are priceless to me. Thank you. I will share my full story sometime…and it will be epic with a kickass soundtrack and it will fuck your world up. All in good time.
    My Fam is way plugged in to the system. My son Zaavan (pronounced zay-ven) is 7 1/2 and I am grateful to live where we do, in the time that we do. He gets the best. A nationally acclaimed school, all therapies and cognitive education is included. My life pretty much centers around him and his longterm cares. Oh, and did I mention that I have a 2 1/2 yr old daughter who bewilders the fuck out of me and sometimes she makes me feel all murdery and shit. Toddlers can suck itt. Yeah, I said it. Like my profile says…I Run This Biotch. That’s my Jobby Job yo. My #1 rule (yes i have rules too) is to be Thankful. No matter what. And believe me I’ve been through the no matter what. Fuck. My Dad died not even 4 weeks ago, and almost 6 yrs ago to the day that my Mom died. I know hurt. I don’t care how bad I think my life is…I’m lucky. I have 2 beautiful redheaded spawn, and a mate that I am eternally unworthy of. I.AM.A.LUCKY.BITCH. END.
    One of my alltime fave quotes – “I lamented that I had no shoes, until I met a man that had no feet.”
    I know right???
    Oh my…I just leaked a whole hamper full of crazy all over and I feel really fucking exposed right now and I’m like panicking just a bit…just a bit.
    No. Alot. Alot.
    **gulp**
    E

  27. fuzzyltlwingedthing says:

    Wow, I’m kind of new to the fandom, but it’s amazing to read so many stories that are similar to mine. I’m lucky my hubby waited the last 10 years for “me” to return. This last year he’s been telling me he’s not sure he should really trust that I’m actually back.

    • Thank you! I’d glad that my post struck a chord with you. Wonderful that you are back to yourself and that your husband waited all this time. Hoping that things are like a second honeymoon for you! πŸ™‚

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  1. […] Categories: twilight Tags: rob pattinson, twilight Remember my last angsty post about The Shameful Truth About How Twilight Changed My Life? Well as promised here is the followup to that where I finally admit to myself that I like looking […]



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